Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
Seems I don't know where to start

But it's now that I feel
Your grace fall like rain
From every finger tip, washing away my pain

Cause I still believe in Your faithfulness
Cause I still believe in Your truth
Cause I still believe in Your Holy Word
Even when I don't see, I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart You seem to prepare

But it's now that I feel
Your grace fall like rain
From every finger tip, washing away my pain

Well, the only place I can go is into Your arms
Where I throw to You my feeble prayers
Well, in brokenness I can see that this was Your will for me
Help me to know that You are near


Still Believe-Jeremy Camp

We don't always understand what God's doing in our lives. Sometimes we feel that the whole world around us is crashing down. It may feel like we're alone in the world, but He hasn't left us. He never will. When we go through those times of trials and hardships, God is preparing our hearts for something great, something that we probably won't see in our time of pain or brokenness. But it will become clear in God's timing. So cling to God, cry out to Him, trust Him and seek His will wholeheartedly. It might be hard, but it takes faith.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take." Proverbs 3:5-6

What if?

This blog may not make sense to anyone but me...but that's okay! Confusion and complexity is part of life.

Sometimes when I'm bored, or doing something that doesn't require much brain activity, I do some heavy duty thinking. Usually my thinking leads to "what ifs". Like what if I'd done this different, or what if I had said what I really thought in that situation. It makes me wonder what life would be like...what I would be like. Would I be happier? would I be less stressed? would I be more stressed? What kind of person might I be?

And usually after the what ifs I start seriously analyzing past experiences. I have a crazy memory, so I remember small details more than I do the obvious ones. I tend to remember moods, demeanors, and facial expressions more than I remember the words that were said. strange, huh? anywho...after much analyzing and thinking, it's like a light bulb comes on. Most of the things that I didn't understand at that time become clear. There's clarity and understanding.

THEN after that part of my thinking process, there is a fork in the road. Depending on the situation, my train of thought could go 2 ways. 1) I could look back on my past experience, smile at the good and happy times, learn from the hard and bad times, and move on with life. OR 2) Look back and think....what in the world was I thinking? I was so stupid, how did I not see that? How naive could I get??? What did I miss out on b/c I made that decision???........If I pick choice 2, I go right back to the beginning at the what ifs...it's a never ending cycle that leads to anxiety, stress, and possible depression. Why do I do this to myself? Who knows.

The only solution to this problem is found in Romans 8:28.
"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for Him."
Basically, God has a purpose and plan for my life. It doesn't matter how bad or hard things get for me, or how ignorant and stupid I am. I firmly believe everything happens for a reason. At the time it may not be obvious, and that might confuse us measly little humans. BUT our GREAT BIG GOD knows exactly what's happening, how it's happening, and why it's happening. He also knows what's going to happen. So why should we confuse ourselves by asking what if and wondering if our lives are going to turn out right? It just causes gray hair, fear, and worry. If we love God and live for Him, we have nothing to worry about. He'll take care of us, and watch out for us. Now if I can just remember to not wonder what if...

Joy Joy Joy Joy down in my heart...

How often do we say something only later to regret it? Or how often do we hear only what we want to hear, and don't listen long enough to get the WHOLE story? How about jumping to conclusions and finding ourselves angry at nothing?

I can't count the number of times I've commented on something without knowing the whole story, or maybe put someone down without taking their feelings into consideration. I'm also guilty of not listening to the whole story and having selective hearing. And man, am I good at jumping to conclusions, and getting frazzled about minor things. It's said that hindsight it 20/20. I'd have to agree. Looking back on some situations on my life, I see that life would have been a lot more pleasant had I shut up, listened , and calmed down.

I was reading in James yesterday and I ran across James 1:19...
" Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry."

How much smoother would life be if we all did this?? Um... I'm not a genius, but I going to go ahead and assume that life would be easier if we all would follow those instructions. As I look back over the past year or so, I see sooo many instances in my life where I became angry; so many miscommunications and misunderstandings. These could have easily been avoided had I been quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. I heard someone say once that many times when we are angry, it goes back to selfish ambitions. Something didn't go the way we thought, or we were inconvenienced by something. We jump to conclusions without knowing the whole story.

So to achieve this goal of being quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger, we must be selfless. The key to JOY is Jesus, Others, and then yourself. If it's in any other order than that, it's gonna be a bumpy ride. When I do look back on those frustrating times in my life, I see how selfish I was. Don't get me wrong, I am in NO WAY perfect. I still struggle with selfishness. But I can see where I have grown in my relationships. I've matured in my relationship with God, which in turn has matured and strengthened my relationships with others, and the importance of "self" in my life has decreased. Hopefully as I continue to grow in my relationships, the more selfless I'll become.

Settling?...

I'm the kind of person that is pretty laid back, go with the flow, easy going. Sure, I get mad, or upset sometimes. But when it comes to making choices and decisions, my personal philosophy is if it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter, and shouldn't be made a big deal. For example, what resturant to eat at, what store to shop at for prom dresses, what flavor tooth paste to get...etc. I usually just pick something and I am perfectly content with it. Sometimes I settle for whatever's convenient and easy, even if there's something I'd like better.
The drawback is that sometimes this content attitude in the little things pours over into the big things. Things that determine my future.

Last summer, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. So I started praying hard and digging in the Word. I considered psychology, early childhood education, and music. The more I prayed and read, the more I felt God calling me to go into music at the University of Mobile. I don't know why. Music is definitely one of my passions, so I decided that I would take a step of faith and trust God to use me however He would.

Well lately I've been wondering if that's really where I'm supposed to go. Maybe I'd be happier staying in Headland and going to Wallace. I'm sure God could used me here too. I was thinking about that today, and it occurred to me that I just settling. Not that Wallace is bad, or the people that go there are settling for mediocrity. But for me personally, I think that by staying here, I would be missing out on some of what God has for me. It's a test of my faith. I know it's not going to be easy leaving home, meeting new people, changing life completely. But that's where God comes in. He's my comforter.

So that's what I'm going to do. I don't know what the future holds for me. I don't know what I'm going to be when I grow up, or who I'm going to marry, or where I'm going to live. but I know that God will take care of me and guide me if I seek his will.

"We can make our plans,
But the Lord determines our steps."
-Proverbs 16:9

Change...gr...

So I've never had a xanga, or myspace, or facebook...so this is all kinda new to me. But there's just so much going on in my life right now, and I need to get it out somewhere.

I guess I could start with the summer! Summer went by so quickly, but it was a growing experience for me. I babysat for the first few weeks, then went to SLA in Nashville. That was one of the best experiences of my life. My mom told me before I left that it would be a defining moment in my life. Umm...once again, my mother was right. She's so smart. I really didn't have any expectations going into it, but it surpassed all that I could have imagined. I learned so much about how to be a good leader, and I learned so much about myself. AJ, our leader, had such a passion for God and for ministering to people. She was awesome! There were 12 of us from Alabama, Kentucky, North Carolina, South Carolina, and Tennessee. Over 2 weeks, we all came to know and love each other. I'm so blessed to have met them, and I know God put us all there at a specific time for a specific purpose. They are truly some of my very best friends. It's amazing how deep relationships are when everybody has the same focus in life. I have a deeper friendship with them than I do with alot of my friends that I've known since like 5th grade. I felt like I could be me, no mask, no act, just...me. And everybody else said the same thing. This little thing called a "comfort zone"...there wasn't one. Anyways it was an incredible experience. It's one of those things where nobody really understands what you've experienced except the people you experienced it with. I still think about it everyday and use what I learned. When I got back, I was determined that I wasn't going to let this just be another camp experience and go back to living a mediocre life. So far, I have held to that commitment.

Mfuge was so fun, and also very uplifting. But it was time to get back to the real world. I mean you can't go to mission camp all year can you?....weeell after much pondering on this statement I realized that hello? those other approximately 1254 people at my school need Jesus just as much as the people in Nashville did. They need to see Christ in me. Every day it's like going on a mission trip. Why have a comfort zone? You may be missing out on something amazing that God wants for you just because you don't want to do something that might make people look at you different. I really been working on getting out of my comfort zone. There's a cry in my heart for God to do something totally incredible at NHS this year. I refuse to let this year go down as just another normal year. I want to impact people for Christ.

Okay so now that we've talked about summer, let's move on. Anybody that knows me, knows that I love my friends. Well, my closest friends either have left or are leaving for college soon.(I'm a youngen) It was hard for me when my brother went to college last year, and it took some getting used to. But 4 of my best friends are leaving. I'm very excited for them, but I'm going to miss them big time. I know I'll still talk to them, and do stuff when they're home, but still. It makes me sad. I saw most of them almost every day for 3 years, and now they're growing up. In a way I feel like a proud parent...they're all growing up and evolving into great people and I'm proud to say that they're my friends. But the other part of me is like the selfish best friend that wants them to be with me forever. Selfishness is not good. I'm working on that though. I know they'll all do great and succeed in all they do, but I really miss them already. They're like my support system, my stress relief, my posse, my...best friends. Anywho, enough sad stuff. No matter where they are, they'll always be special to me.

I can already feel God preparing me for the next year, as I make decisions that will affect the rest of my life. It's exciting, somewhat stressful, kind of scary, but mostly an adventure. I'm a firm believer that God uses experiences to teach us things. So no matter how much I'd like to regret decisions and things in my past, no matter how much I don't want to go through change, I know that I wouldn't be the person that I am today had I not experienced those things. I truly think that I've grown more in the past month and a half than the past 4 years. My whole perspective of life has changed. I've been thinking deeper and more than I'm used to. My goals are higher, my beliefs are stronger, and my spiritual life is deeper. I think I'm growing up...kind of scary, isn't it?