Fear.
I've never thought of myself as a fearful person. I'm typically pretty calm, cool, and collected...that is until a friend tries to get me to do something illegal like swim in a condo swimming pool when we're not staying at said condo. The phrase "Violators will be prosecuted" seems to have no effect on some of my friends.
Back to fear. I'm fairly even keeled, you could say. I don't exude an excess of emotion most of the time. I try not to worry myself to death over things I can't fix, I deal with my own stress in my mind and think myself through it. I (try to) take things in stride and not worry about them. After all Matthew 6 says not to worry about tomorrow because tomorrow has enough worries of its own.
For instance, my fiance (bold so he will see I didn't put "my significant other") and I are both graduating in May. We're getting married in September. We do not have jobs. We have no prospects of where to live. We're not sure how we will pay for a place to live. We're not sure how we will pay for groceries. Right now, I'm not sure how he'll eat because the only thing I can make is blueberry muffins. Needless to say, from this vantage point there's a lot of uncertainty.
Of course, we're looking for jobs, we will find somewhere to live, we will pay for groceries, and I will (hopefully) learn to make a decent meal. But right now, the "how" of all that is hovering over me.
So I just forget about it. I busy myself with other things, and "don't worry about tomorrow" because the Bible tells me so.
So I'm on the right track, right? Not fearing what's in the future, just considering what could be every now and then.
Wrong.
Yesterday, Wesley called me to let me know a job he'd been waiting to hear from didn't work out. "Okay," I thought, "God will provide. He is faithful and he has a plan." But shortly after thinking that true thought, something crept into my mind. Doubt maybe. What if he doesn't find a job? What if I can't find a job? What if we can't afford a safe place to live? I began to feel a knot in my stomach.
Again, I pushed it away. I just forgot about it. I didn't know what to call that feeling anyway, so I just didn't want to think about it. It surely was not fear. I'm never afraid. I know God will provide. He always has. I'm not afraid that he won't. I would never think that God needs to work around my time schedule. Not me. No. Never.
Wrong again. This morning I woke up and got ready for student teaching. I thought "I really need to cling to Proverbs 3:5-6 in all of this (and the rest of my life) and trust in the Lord without trying to figure it all out on my own. " As I was about to dry my hair, I checked my email and saw the devotion I get from Proverbs 31 Ministries. It was called "Fearing the Unknown". Ironic?
It opened with...
Then you will know which way to go,
since you have never been this way before.”
Joshua 3:4a (NIV)
I realized was that strange knot in my stomach was indeed fear. I didn't want to admit it, but it was. I also realized by pushing it away, I was weakening my trust in God. Yes, the Bible does say "don't worry about tomorrow", but it also says "Cast all your cares upon Him because He cares for you". I wasn't casting my cares on Him. I was just pushing them away into the corners of my mind. The hymn "What a Friend We Have in Jesus" came to mind.
"Oh what peace we often forfeit
Oh what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry
everything to God in prayer."
I'm not going to explain the whole devotion, but if you get a chance check it out. There was also a link to Micca Campbell's blog (the author of this morning's devotion). She wrote a book entitled An Untroubled Heart: Finding Faith that is Stronger than All Your Fears.
When I was growing up, I listened to an audio series called Adventures in Odyssey. On one episode, a child was walking in the woods and he was scared of the noises and darkness. Upon telling Mr. Whitaker (aka the coolest ice cream shop owner ever) the situation, Whit encouraged him to learn scripture to recite whenever he got scared. He chose Isaiah 41:10. I remember telling my grandma that was my favorite verse when I was about 8, mostly because I had listened to that episode countless times. I can still hear the little boy reciting it in my head as once again, in this very uncertain stage of life, I claim it as my favorite verse.
"So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10
I'm off to attempt to be fearless...
